you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Green mimosas i think yes
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize