hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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