please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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