My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
