I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we made out on top of his cat.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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