she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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