Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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