I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
