Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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