The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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