i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
