I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
