He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
