Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
