He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
