I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
