i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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