I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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