3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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