Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She told me I should be a condom model.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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