I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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