Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
