um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
