After last night, I could never be a politician.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
