I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
