I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
