eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize