Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My liver just broke up with me...
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wish I only lived at night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My life is pants optional.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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