I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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