its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize