My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize