just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
