I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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