dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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