Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
