I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize