I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
