i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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