we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
