Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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