He disabled his match.com account in front of me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
