Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize