Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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