I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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