Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
