I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
