i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
