The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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