she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
