it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
