I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
