ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Actions speak louder than pants.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
