The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
