yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
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