i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hippo gnu deer
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
