I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
