there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
