o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
