consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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