I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
