This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
