Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
