Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
