just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
