Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You pole danced in your parka.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
