I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
