seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
