margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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