If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I deserve this hangover.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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