my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
