new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
