I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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