wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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